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| Literature / Poetry / General Poetry / Visual & Found Poetry | ©2010-2013 *meregoddess |
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Deviousness `anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More
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Sta.sh
I also like how the last two lines give it a consistency in structure. "Her soul is dying" was particularly powerful.
I really like the imagery presented here:
"She descends not with tranquil serenity
But fights and cries amidst the waters"
It is written well and everyone loves when the protagonist doesn't go down without a fight, especially me.
(Though waters is a bit ambiguous and out-of-the-blue; I suggest replacing "the" with "dark" to keep with the theme so it melds better.)
Again, your visuals are very fitting and add to the feeling of the poem. A simple white on black color scheme works well to evoke that sense of night and white-star-studded skies. The picture in the corner adds a nice feeling of the ethereal and spiritual.
Going back to the writing itself, the flow was a little off in places. Because there is no punctuation and the first letter of each line was capitalized it was difficult, for me at least, to find the appropriate rhythm. Specifically in the first stanza:
"As swans and lilies gather around
The night spirit as she cries
Her substance fades"
normally it would be written like this:
As swans and lilies gather around the night spirit as she cries, her substance fades.
I read it like this the first time (with the previous lines in mind):
She shimmers upon the dark moonshine, in shades that softly glisten, as swans and lilies gather around the night spirit as she cries.
It really could be read either way but one lends itself more than the other to the final two lines.
Finally I'd be careful not to use unnecessary adverbs e.g. softly, quietly,quickly Instead add one extra detail more for instance glisten already has a soft quality to it - in its definition as well as in its pronunciation so I would have said maybe 'black that wink and glisten' or just left it as glisten alone.
'Quietly' is fine, I'd leave it, but 'quickly' seems a bit contradictory to what all we've witnessed throughout this poem.
I hope some of this has been helpful. This is all my opinion (and I'm no expert!) so you are welcome to use all, some, or none of my suggestions.
I did enjoy this piece more than your other as it seemed more substantial in story as well as more varied in imagery.
Nice work!
This was a very well balanced example of visual poetry! The image you chose and the formatting accented the overall meaning of the poem very nicely. Your choice for the image was a lovely, too!
Your use of descriptive adjectives was very effective, since you added them smoothly without letting them distract from the overall meaning of the poem. The elements of fantasy were a very nice touch, too!
Keep up the good work! We look forward to seeing more of your writings in #Writers--club!
=TheFinalHikari
Founder of #Writers--club and #LandoftheSky
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