A peal of thunder broke in the north east and the wind began to move with urgency. Great! It's going to rain he thought, with some degree of annoyance, as he finished cleaning up the inside of his Cherokee Cruiser. Glancing at his watch, he realized the buyer was late, and wondered if he should keep the engine running, as he had promised that he would have the small private plane running, and ready to be viewed at the arranged arrival time of 9 p.m.
It was rather late to be showing the plane, but as he had not had a slew of possible buyers checking out his plane, he was prone to be accommodating. David stood back and admired the aircraft, which he was selling at a moderate price for something in such excellent condition. A single engine aircraft, with 150 horsepower and a 2800tt engine that ran so smoothly it fairly hummed, he was loathe to part with it, but he had his eye on a Piper Cub that was being sold at an extremely friendly price on the internet.
David was no stranger to the internet, chatting with friends, checking out planes and charting flight paths. It was on the internet that he had met this potential buyer who he was still waiting for to arrive. "Skypilot" as he was known in the aviator chat room, had already bragged about selling his single engine Cherokee for a twin engine Piper, and so he was hoping this time the sale would pan out. He did have a reputation to keep up after all. Although technically the buyer was a perfect stranger, he felt comfortable enough since they had chatted on the computer.
Standing in front of the plane waiting, unable to hear over the roaring of the plane, David was surprised to hear a voice behind him. "Hello Skypilot. I'm here to look at the plane you have for sale. I assume this is the one since you have it running and ready to be viewed as I requested."
"Hi, yes it's me, and this is the plane" he replied, turning towards the voice. Smiling, he indicated the plane behind him and stated "She's a real beauty, and in tip top shape. I think you'll find her to your liking." David added "It's such a pleasure to finally meet you!"
All of a sudden he feels hands on his chest as he is roughly pushed backwards towards the propellers. Unable to regain his balance, the last thing he hears is the roaring of the engine as his body falls into the blades.
The plane makes a loud scraping noise as David's body is torn to shreds within the blades. Confident that at this late hour nobody was close enough to hear the sound, the perfect stranger turns and walks away, leaving the shredded body, or what was left of it on the ground.
It's worth saying that I found this a little difficult to read, seeing as there were no paragraphs used. Even for a story as short as this, they're worth the time.
Also, there were a few places where the wording used didn't quite make sense (ie. he was loathe to part with it and but as he had not had a slew of possible buyers) A different choice of words would have fixed the awkwardness here.
When you say:"Hello Skypilot. I'm here to look at the plane you have for sale. I assume this is the one since you have it running and ready to be viewed as I requested" you're kind of stating the obvious, and it feels really awkward to read.
The whole part about the aviation website could have been worded better, and frankly was a little boring to read. It did work to provide sense and background to the story, and that's a good thing, because above all, it needs to make sense.
Lastly, there are just a few punctuation things that bugged me. Missing quotation marks, misplaced commas, et cetera. Not that big of a deal though.
But all in all, you gad a good, original idea and those are difficult to come up with these days. Kudos for that. Work on your technique, and you'll certainly improve! I see lots of potential!
The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork
Please sign up or login to post a critique.