Don't You Just Hate It...

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Don’t You Just Hate it …

When people don’t get your answering machine message?  Mine says:  “Next on Mere Radio 98.7 FM we will be hearing the music of Ludwig Van Beethoven, his Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor.”  I constantly get messages saying “Hey, I didn't hear any music…”

When you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache then suddenly she’s not your friend anymore?

That companies think we’re stupid?  I mean SERIOUSLY stupid?  I saw the following on a Frito’s bag in a grocery store: YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.  DETAILS INSIDE.  Really?  C’mon, really??

That when you get married, you find that men think it “beneath” them to clean a toilet?  It’s YOUR job to clean it.  It’s okay for YOU to scrub it, wash it, and clean the walls.  Yes, clean the walls.  They don’t believe they pee on the walls, but we know they do, don’t we?  But NO, they can’t do it.  They do all the “heavy” stuff so we can have the “privilege” of cleaning the toilet.  We could live in a condo, with a yard boy, have groceries delivered, have a metal roof that never needs repairing and buy a new car every year, and they STILL would not clean a toilet.  They’d do their business in the woods first.  Don’t you just hate that?  Me? It just flat out pisses me off…

When you’re in a hurry, breaking the speed limit, practically flying down the highway and you get behind grandma’s uncle and have to pass? Don’t you hate it even more when you get caught at the next red light and grandma’s uncle pulls up beside you?

That vegetarians say they refuse to eat meat because they believe all animals have the right to live, but then they turn around and eat all the animals’ food?

Don’t You Just Hate It…

When you have a boyfriend who has dyslexia and a sex manual?  He’ll spend the better part of an hour looking for your vinegar…

That a good man is hard to find?  Put it in perspective though.  A good midget is even harder to find….especially in a large crowd. 

That life is going to be so easy for those people born in the year 2000?  They’ll never have to fumble with the math to figure out how old they are…

When you have to tell prospective employers that you worked at Hooters?  30 years ago?

When astral projecting over a slow moving turtle on the highway while lucid dreaming, thereby avoiding bad karma and reducing your chances of coming back in the next life as a sea turtle with a 1 in 25,000 chance of making it to the ocean and surviving, you get lost and have to stop and ask for directions? 
(bet you had to read THAT one twice)

That when you’re drunk it’s difficult to say proliferation, very difficult to say specificity, and downright impossible to say “Sorry, but you’re really not my type.”  Okay, that’s an old joke, but dontcha just LOVE it?

Don’t You Just Hate It…

That people will add your deviations to their favorites and not comment on them?  I mean it’s nice and all, and it’s flattering and much appreciated that people follow you and add your work, but d.a.m.n.  I myself sure would like to know WHY they liked it enough to add it to their favorites.  It doesn't have to be a long drawn out explanation, just tell me SOMETHING.  Otherwise, I feel like it’s a pity/obligation fave…

When you tell people the joke “How long is a Chinese name” and they don’t get it…

When you get Chinese instructions on purchases?  I got instructions on some Christmas lights I purchased that said FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.  I sat there for an hour racking my brains trying to think of some place besides indoors or outdoors that I might have used them…

That it is so hard to tell puns to kleptomaniacs because they take things so literally?

When people tell you puns?  It takes a certain sense of humor to appreciate a pun.  So go ahead and hate me.  I’m going to share with you one of my favorite puns:  Mahatma Gandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him what was known as a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 

Well, if you’ve made it this far through journal, I’m going to punish you.  Yes, punish you by leaving you with one of my favorite jokes of all time.  If you have had enough already, please feel free to stop reading here.  Otherwise, read on for one more joke:

A patient in the doctor’s office explains to the doctor that he has a problem, but he’s embarrassed to talk about it because he is afraid the doctor will laugh.

The doctor assures him that he has been practicing for 40 years and has seen it all, that there is absolutely nothing he can tell him or show him that he has not seen before and he promises he will be professional and not laugh. 

The patient, feeling reassured, then proceeds to remove his pants and his underwear showing the doctor a man’s most “prized possession.”   The doctor looks, and sees the smallest “prized possession” he has ever seen on a grown man.  Why, it was no bigger than a thimble. 

Try as he might, the doctor can’t help himself.  He breaks out into peals of uncontrollable laughter until tears roll down his face.  The patient is mortified.  Finally, the doctor gets himself under control, apologizes profusely to the patient, and asks him what seems to be the problem.

The patient responds “it’s swollen.”

The doctor had to leave the room.