This is a Puny Journal (puh-nee)

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I love puns.  The cornier the better.  So I thought I'd share a few of my favorites with you.  Listed below are the ones I remember.  If you have any puns I'd love to hear them!

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants.  The bartender says "hey pirate!  Did you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"  The pirate replied  "arrrrghh, it's driving me nuts!"

Two nuns are driving down the road when a demon jumps on their car and grabs hold of the wipers.  The nun driving tried to get him off by turning on the wipers but he clung for dear life.  The 2nd nun says "Throw some holy water on him."  So the nun driving throws holy water out the window on the demon who begins to burn but still refuses to let go of the wipers.  The 2nd nun says "show him your cross!  Show him your cross!"  So the nun who was driving sticks her head out the window and shouts "Get off my ##!*%#!!  car!"

The fair young damsel was beautiful, but had no fashion sense.  She wore a frilly green and purple dress with brown polka-dots and orange stripes.  A dragon captured her, and she said, "You're in trouble, dragon!  Any minute a brave knight will come to slay you and rescue me."  The dragon just laughed.  Many knights did come, but they took one look at her and rode off again.  "You see," said the dragon, "I knew no knight would ever try to rescue a damsel in this dress..."

A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender says "Get outta here, we don't serve bears in this bar."  So the bear in a fit of anger says "watch this!"  He proceeds to the end of the bar where there is a hooker sitting and eats her alive.  He goes back to the bartender and growls  "Are you going to serve me now, or am I going to have to do to you what I did to her?"  The bartender says "Get outta here, we don't serve bears in this bar, and we don't serve drug addicts either."  The bear, perplexed, scratches his head and asks "What do you mean?"  The bartender replies, "well, that was a bar bitch you ate."  (barbituate)

The mad scientist made a clone of himself, but something went wrong.  All the clone wanted to do was stick his head out of the third-story window and shout dirty words at passerby.  Embarrassed by the display, the scientist didn't know what to do.  Seeing no other options, he pushed the clone out the window.  He was arrested a short time later for making an obscene clone fall...

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

I had a boyfriend once with a wooden leg, but he broke it off...

One day an English/grammar teacher was looking ill.  A student asked, "What's the matter?" "Tense," answered the teacher, describing how he felt.  The student paused, then continued, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter... ?"

I bet the butcher the other day that he couldn't reach the meat that was on the top shelf. He refused to take the bet, saying that the steaks were too high.

Did you hear the one about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
(I bet you don't get this one  *snicker*)

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.   After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was once this second-rate orchestra led by a second-rate director.  In the orchestra was this guy on the cymbals who never banged them at the right time. So the conductor said, "If you don't get it right this time I'll kill you."  When the time came for the percussionist to get it right, he didn't. And so the director pulled out a gun and shot him dead.  Of course, the police came and arrested him and eventually the conductor ended up on death row. The day came when he was sent to the electric chair. As the crowd watched, the executionist flipped the switch ... but nothing happened. Everyone wondered what when wrong.  But the director knew. Saddened by all that had taken place, he said, "I never was a very good ... conductor!"

Okay, Okay.  They're CORNY.  But I love them.  I'd love to hear more!